Emotions Exposed!!! Oooohhh.....

So I can home from work today, emotionally overwrought (how's that for vocabulary, huh?) and thought that maybe I would express my feelings via blog- it's got to be good for something, right? Perhaps it is something you wanted to know about me, hopefully it's not more than you wanted to know.... But I would rather that people know me and love because of my flaws/emotions, etc, and not in spite of them. But if it is major TMI, feel free to let me know! OK.

• Regarding my assistant sometimes I want to say "I want to be the fun one!" The one that spends a lot of time one-on-one with kids. A fabulous idea in theory- but in reality there are 17 preschoolers in the class. My assistant, with lots of potential, but little experience, is great at being compassionate and loving the students, she is great at keeping kids engaged in small groups, seriously. The only challenge is, she has a habit of focusing on just one or a few kids, that the rest of the kids, well, are left to me.
  
• For example, the new student today got plenty of love and attention, but who was chasing kids around the room or making sure they cleaned up after themselves? Yeah, it was me. She is great at stepping in and discipling the kids (when I am trying to take care of it myself) but I would rather have her support from the beginning. Nor can I, want I, to give them tangible items, or invite them to my house to play. Again, she has tons of potential and compassion
  

I would love to have more time to sit down and play more individually with the kids, but I feel like I spend more time putting out fires and it frustrates me when parents come to pick up their kids, and often I have little idea about what to tell the parents about how their day went.
Here are some options:

• Truthfully, I can't feel sorry for myself, find a way to make it work so that I can play more with the kids.
  
• Try to be more compassionate with students, perhaps?
  
• Hang in there 'till I get my new assistant- supposed to be coming next week

• Next Item: Job security!!! Even though I have gotten great feedback about my job, sometimes I am concerned about job security. I wasn't able to finish student teaching and then my job at Jordan District didn't want me back for another year. I tell myself that this year is different, and it is a completely new job/field, and I have much improved in "seeking feedback" but when both previous opportunities ended- I didn't see it coming! Hopefully I will be at ease with job security soon....

• I think often I am in denial about how much I can reasonably take on, manage to the degree that I "feel" successful and maintain good health and well-being. That is the only explanation I have for working 40 hrs a week, class 2 nights a week, 45 minute commute to work each way and.. then agree to: tutoring, baby-sitting, very-part time work for Parks and Rec- sure! A friend said it best when he said, "You are the ultimate poster child for optimism- you think you can do anything!" There is truth in that, I am sure....

• Dating- no I am not obsessed with dating and/or marriage- but a date (where I didn't have to ask) would be nice. I haven't had one in almost a year.....

• School-I feel almost guilty for saying it but I am just not enjoying it this semester. I remind myself what a blessing it is to be in grad school, but the classes this semester are reading logs/journals (which we never discuss in class) and then telling us how to do the many assignments. Where is the teaching new concepts? Where the learning? Sigh..... a 10 pg paper due in two weeks that has yet to be written....
• And my apt complex has a gym, 2 minutes away, accessible 24/7. Why, I can't seem to make it there more than once a week is a mystery to me....
• Living with a disability every day is both a blessing and a challenge
  

As the saying goes, "to know me is to love me," right? Well, in this case, at least I love myself!